Monkey Business

When monkeys get down to business, it can be really serious stuff. So, monkey business ain’t any tomfoolery any more. It can be a very serious and calculated way of doing things.

It seems, this incident only happened recently, in Mumbai. My mother-in-law was watching television in the living room and totally oblivious that a monkey had entered one of the bedrooms through the window. And before you start thinking, yes! the window had a grill. We live on the 3^rd floor, above a level of parking, so that essentially makes it a height equivalent of four floors. Added to this, no trees in the immediate vicinity.

The monkey felt at home and helped himself to a couple of packets of dry fruits, which it found in that room. Only when the doorbell rang, and the watchman rushed in, was my mother-in-law alarmed of the uninvited visitor.

Those living in Mumbai can agree or disagree – a local newspaper had published that 3 monkeys had been ably trained to conduct theft and burglary, and their area of operations is Dahisar. They know how to cut through grills or squeeze themselves in.

This reminds me of my friend’s experience with a monkey when she was in Hyderabad. There, the monkeys are a step ahead in terms of capabilities. A monkey used to sneak into her kitchen and open the fridge and help herself. If she sampled a food which did not appeal to her taste buds, she would bang the bowl or dish on the floor. So, my friend made sure she double locked her kitchen and fridge before she left home.

During my hostel days at Varanasi, our hostels were also frequented by the monkeys. We attributed it to the vicinity of the Sankat Mochan temple. I lived in an all-girls hostel and the only men who were allowed in the hostel were, if I remember correctly, the electrician( bhaiya) and the mess waale( bhaiyas).

It was a routine for us to wash our clothes and put them to dry in the lobby outside our rooms.

And if you think, what I am about to share is a joke….it is not!

We were relaxing outside our rooms when a senior came and warned us about a group of monkeys who are visiting on and off and stealing essential clothing. We thought it was a prank by the senior, part of ragging. But we became a victim to the monkey menace who were stealing our necessities. Gosh! And it was only that segment of clothing that they targeted…God knows why, though!

So, now do you agree that Monkey Business can be a serious and well calculated way of doing things?

With that begins my short story.

The first set of aliens have arrived to build up their establishment on earth. They are in discussion with the CEO of Monkey Business Corp.

Monkey CEO: “Where did you hear about us?”

Alien CEO: “When we were doing the rounds around Earth during Super moon, the transmission of our UFO detected a conflict. We realized that it was your billboard which had a sound device, that was the source of the conflict. We disembarked our UFO and the rest is history.”

Monkey CEO: “Clever huh! You knew that the humans would be busy taking photos of the super moon that they would not notice you!”

Alien CEO:” Precisely!”

Monkey CEO:” So, where would you like to build your establishment?”

Alien CEO: “How about Uncle Sam’s land? Heard it’s the most advanced and sought after.”

Monkey CEO:” Wouldn’t recommend that…they are just recovering from an unexpected election result. The humans themselves are not so sure if they want to continue living there or migrate to Canada.”

Alien CEO:” Oh I see! Is it that bad?”

Monkey CEO: “Yes, Bro!”

Alien CEO:” How about the Queen’s land?”

Monkey CEO:” Oh don’t even think about it. If you visit them for a week, they will tax you. So, all your friends and relatives visiting you will hate you for all the tax they might end up paying.”

Alien CEO: “ Ohh….how about India?”

Monkey CEO:” India is a country we can never understand. Recently, the monkey para military forces had trained the forces to sneak into people’s houses and get all the cash they hide under their mattresses and jars. Our monkeys did an excellent operation in getting 90% of that cash. But, what a blow it was when their head of Government demonetized the Rs.1000 and Rs.500 currency. We had to abandon all the efforts and dumped the cash near Thane. That was covered in the local newspaper. Thank God, they did not realize that we had done it. Hee!hee!”

Alien CEO: “Now what? Which is the best place for us? How about China”

Monkey CEO: “That country is not within our area of operations….we have heard of rumors of monkey brains being consumed there. So, my employees refused to travel there for research and consulting for your prestigious project!”

Alien CEO:” Then do we have no chance at all to create our very own establishment on Earth? We wanted to collaborate with humans and create something big.”

Monkey CEO:” Ha..ha…you must be joking! Our greatest hero of all times, “Hanuman” helped the humans so much, but what did his descendents get? Till today, we get peanuts from them. When we demand equal treatment by entering their houses, they shoo us away. That human race….they forget they evolved from us. Now by holding long selfie sticks they spend most of the times in clicking photos and uploading their profile pics and DPs as they call it. You want to collaborate with such a species?”

Alien CEO:” Err…looks like it’s a bad idea. Well, then…we dissolve the project here itself.”

Alien CEO takes leave and the UFO zooms away from the earth.

Monkey CEO laughs and concluded….” Everything is a monkey business afterall!”